With mad respect to MF Doom….
I passed my degree got my grade in the mail,
Master of the arts bitch, you’ll never see me fail.
Waited two long months now the time is here.
Celebrations all round, bottles in the air.
Get on the phone to my parents when I’m a little tipsy,
Give ’em the good news, take a shot of whiskey
Or brandy, whatever we keep our spirits high
In my element and it won’t pass me by.
Told my bro the good news, respec’ with a spud,
White rum chasers running in our blood
Dark rum chasers drifting in our veins
Love to my gran, a kiss on the chain x
A sharp distinction but I pass on merit,
The happiest day of my life and I won’t forget it.
Gave my lady a big squeeze told her I love her
She responded with I love you too motherfucker!
We polished off bottles by the litre,
Fire in my chest inflamed by tequila.
And when morning comes I’m hangin’ like Mr Cooper,
No need to worry though coz I feel super.
Greg J Allman
So I’m finally employed. That puts a strike in the pros column of life. I’ve only been there two weeks but so far so good. I won’t go in to detail about what I do and where I work. But it’s a rewarding job to say the least. I’m a cog in a machine as they say. One day I’ll be the machine. I’m currently adapting to the wicked ways a 9-5 takes up most of my time. Factor the hour spent getting to work and the hour coming home. That just usually leaves me exhausted and not feeling very creative. The past few days however I’ve been good and put fingers to keyboard trying to churn out my thoughts and ideas.
I thought once I got this job I would spend my time wishing I was unemployed again. Penning blog posts from a library or Starbucks and watching the day go by. Seeing the men in suits scuttling about town trying to get from A to B to C then back to A. Now I’m one of those guys. It’s an interesting feeling to see it from both sides. Although I have no time to lounge in Starbucks and listen to people’s conversations about Princess Diana or their cat.
I had to undergo a wardrobe overhaul. Shirt and trousers are the required dress code of my office therefore I put in a visit to Primark, Next, Marks and Spencer’s and even Burton. New coat shirts, new belt, new coat and new shoes. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and everything just hit me. I’m getting old. Gone are the days of my baggy t-shirts and baggy jeans. Colourful hoodies and New Era caps (Yeah I was one of those guys). Even my sense in footwear has smartened up. Brown boots, black vans and black brogues. No hats unless its a beanie, otherwise my balding head is on full show. The worst part is I don’t even care if people see that I’m losing my hair.
The best part about getting old is that I have someone to get old with. And truthfully I wouldn’t change that for anything. The only direction I’m moving is forwards. A wise man once said “Don’t look at it as getting older, look at it as getting better.” Indeed sir, indeed.
Greg J Allman
My motherfuckin’ mind, the sum of all fears,
Combine all your nightmares in one
Then add the scent of an onion
Use the skin to dry your tears
Nothing even matters, I really don’t care
It’s hard to see a bright side
The darkness has its own shine
But my faith has lost its glare
My one last trip, let’s make it a dream
For all the evil in the world
To fall through the trapdoor
Close the curtain, magic is not what it seems.
Greg J Allman.
So this morning I crawl out of bed at 7:30 like most normal people do on a Thursday morning. I get ready for work but notice something is up. My desk/girlfriend’s makeup table was missing a certain square shaped black leather wallet. No worries though it’s usually located on my other desk/drawers under my computer screen. Not there either. So obviously panic sets in rather quickly and I hunt around my house for about 20 minutes searching high and low for my wallet. In the end I concede defeat and head out to work walletless.
Upon my arrival I realised that I probably dropped it when I was running to my girlfriends car. It was freezing last night and I only had a shirt on for protection. So then I knew I had to do the inevitable. Contact Santander and cancel my debit card. Literally all my nightmares were just rolled in to one big ball-ache scenario. I’ve never had a conversation with their employees that ended “Thank you so much for your help, have a nice day.” Being someone who has worked in customer service for years, I know that’s not a good sign.
So I dial their number and press a whole load of number until I’m put through to an actual human in the right department. I tell him my scenario and think this should go smoothly enough. I give him my address and think all is sorted.
He asks me if I have any direct debits coming up. The only one that sprung to mind was mobile broadband for my girlfriend’s iPad. No biggie, sorted. He then asks when my last cash withdrawal was. I respond unsure and give him a whole load of times I used my card to pay for things. Turns out I failed a security test and my card won’t be re-issued but has been blocked.
He tells me I can call back if I remember otherwise take my passport and a bill/bank statement to my nearest branch and they can re-issue it that way.
Excuse my blatant apprehension to this but the last time I lost my card I did this and it didn’t end too well….for me. It was a rainy night in Ealing and I was trekking back to my apartment. I had my backpack slung over one shoulder, two shopping bags, an umbrella and my phone in my hand. I was bound to lose something and that something was my debit card. The very next day I set out to Santander and got a new one re-issued. I was told it would take 7-10 days. Two weeks later I walk in to the same branch debit cardless and enquire about my situation. The employee informs me that the card was indeed cancelled but whoever did it forgot to re-issue a new one. Funny that I thought to myself being that the person I spoke to last time I was in there was in fact the very same incompetent employee.
Fast forward February 2012. My bank card expires and I need a new one. I’m told that the bank just issues one as they have it on record that the card is about to expire.
I telephone their customer services team and enquire as to what the procedure is. They cancelled my card and told me an updated one will be sent out in the next 7-10 days.
Where have I heard this before?
Two weeks later and still no bank card I call their wonderful, efficient customer services team again and enquire about the whereabouts of my card. Their employee had no answer other than “no idea what’s going on here”.
So he ended up cancelling that card and re-issuing me another one. Answers on a postcard as to how long he said it should take to reach me.
Finally after a month of enquiring for an up to date debit card I finally received one.
Santander are full of surprises, not the kind of surprise where you walk in to a dark room and your friends and family jump out from behind a couch or fridge and yell Surprise! But more the kind where you sit on a wet couch and let out a shriek, only for your mother to rush in to the room and inform you that your niece wet herself earlier. Surprise!
Greg J Allman.