My initial reaction was to give up my sense of smell. I sort of came to that conclusion rather easily and quickly. Simply because I am not a baker or chef. Although I love food, I feel like that I would love it more if I didn’t have the ability to smell it. I know it sounds ridiculous becasue the aroma of a dish plays a huge part in someone’s personal taste for it. But I seem to constantly find myself saying “Something smells” and not in a positive way. Just imagine all the things you wish you could un-smell. For example when my mum cooks mushrooms. The smell lingers in the kitchen for a while before deciding to explore the rest of the house. The smell reminds me of when you burp and a trace bile shoots up your throat. For a split second you think you’re gonna vomit. From giving up my sense of smell, I no longer get asked to check if dairy products are “still good” or to see if my little nephew has soiled himself.

I guess there are some negatives, for example I am a profuse sweater. Like seriously it does not take a lot for me to start pouring from my pores. I get the tube (London Underground) nearly every morning and every morning I step out with a full bodied sweat. So that always leads to me finding the nearest public toilet to re-lynx myself and step out smelling of roses…or whatever random scent I have in my bag. Not being able to smell smelly people is a huge plus, but not being able to smell myself is scary. I get the feeling I would end up spraying myself every two hours just to be on the safe side. Another pitfall is not being able to smell my farts. Now before you throw up in your mouths hear me out. All men let off in public, the same way they need to in the privacy of their living room or bedroom. The only difference is they need to be more discreet. Sometimes I can tell when a fart will smell, but there are occasions when my girlfriend disgustingly asks me “Did you fart?” and I embarrassingly answer yes. The thought of being on the tube or in a lift and letting one out that clearly smells like a gym sock that’s been microwaved terrifies me. Also it leaves me open for an attack similar to that of Sideshow Bob’s when he married Selma.

Can you smell that?

Can you smell that?

But for giving up my sense of smell I would be in receipt of a a super sense. That sense will be hearing. I have a tendency to wear headphones or earphones at the best of times and therefore I switch off to everything else around me. With a super sense of hearing I could blast out the finest DMX barks and growls all the while listening to my parents ramble on about their plans to move out of London. Also think of the times you’ve wanted to eavesdrop on a conversation but had to disguise your listening with playing music. With this heightened sense you could become the next Perez Hilton within a week with all the information you’d obtain.

There are some pitfalls with my new super strength ears however. Firstly I’m unfortunate enough to still have to ride the bus every now and then. Usually at times where school kids are littered all over the street. Having to listen to all of their conversations in detail would leave me wishing for bigger headphones. The conversations these school kids have is reminiscent of a bad episode of Top Boy or a conversation with an under educated rapper. A second pitfall (as if the first one wasn’t bad enough) would be the wails, screams and cries of babies. I have a nephew (who’s nappy I won’t be smelling) that cries morning, noon and night. His currently perfecting his tenor range while he’s still young. There’s definitely a place for him on the stage when he’s older.

It’s hard to determine if I’m winning or losing in this scenario. I’ll let you be the judge of that!

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